You can't always get what you want

After my last post, an astute reader kindly pointed out that it required assertiveness in order to work on one thing at a time. That got me thinking about what assertiveness is and how you do it.

There are degrees of assertiveness beginning, obviously, with a basic assertion of what you want:

I need to leave at 5:30 this evening.

This feels a little bald, so we can be a little more empathic:

I understand that you’re really busy and would like my help but I do need to leave by 5:30 this evening.

Sometimes, we need to be assertive because people try to break previous agreements; if that’s the case, you can point this out:

You said that if I finished the Johnson report by lunchtime, I could leave early. Now you’re saying that you need me to work late. I’d like to stick with our original agreement as I do need to leave at 5:30 this evening.

Alternatively, you can try to provoke some empathy from the person you’re speaking to, by describing the negative feelings that you will feel if they continue:

When you change your mind after we’ve agreed something, I feel upset and angry. I’d like us to stick with our earlier agreement as I need to leave by 5:30 this evening.

Finally, you can include the consequences of the other person continuing to behave the way they are:

If you insist on making me work past 5:30 this evening, I’ll be so angry it’s unlikely that I’ll get any work done and it’ll harm the good working relationship that we normally have. I’d like us to keep to our earlier agreement as I do need to leave by 5:30 this evening.

Notice that the central assertion of your needs – in this case “I need to leave by 5:30 this evening” – remains unchanged and is repeated each time; this is known as the “broken record” technique.

You can practice these different types of statement until you’re comfortable with the words but when it comes to assertiveness, what comes out of your mouth is less important than what goes on in your head. The American Declaration of Independence declares that the “pursuit of happiness” is an “unalienable right” and the language is very significant here. The Declaration doesn’t say that anyone has the right to happiness – just the right to pursue it and it’s the same with assertiveness.

As hard as it is to accept sometimes, no-one has the right to get whatever they want – but we do all have the right to ask for whatever we want. Truly believing this is the first step to being assertive.